As simple as Love.

To Love someone is to pull them in close on their best of days and even closer on their worst.In all of the poor decisions I've made,God was always there with me; even if I disappointed him. Not once did he turn his back against me.He never told me I was different or ruined, and He never once saw me unclean. God always forgives and never holds against. Perfection does not exist on this earth. We are always learning, and despite knowing what is good and right for us we still stand on the cliff of our will and jump off every once and awhile. Despite all my sin, God still Forgives. Not only does He forgive, He pulls me in during the winds of my weakness and draws closer to me. He invites me into His house; He talks with me and believes the best of me.  He gets me back on my feet and inspires me to start new again. This is possible because of Love. I don’t like boxing myself in and saying… As “Christians” we should be living a life of loving others. We should want to live a life of Loving this way because we don’t deserve to be Loved unconditionally ourselves. So how can one judge another when they have been so freely loved and forgiven themselves without deserving such a thing? I want to be there for the ones closest to me, I want the people in my life to trust that I am there for them no matter what they are going through or where they came from. I want to treat others the way I would want another to treat me. That is to be pulled in close on my best of days, and even closer on my worst.

Forgive the Self.

Forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive, and then forgive again.

" Unforgiveness is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies" -Joyce Meyer
Ok, got it. Forgive my neighbor.

"As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions"
Ok, got it. God forgives me (...I do not take that lightly)

-My issue here is not knowing how to forgive others, nor struggling with the acceptance that God has forgiven me, but the burden I feel in forgiving my Self and how extremely painful this effort has been.

I've actually never been faced with this issue before... maybe I have but never this strong of a dose. For some beautiful reason it's just now impacting me, as if I had just awoken from a coma after three years and someone is sitting at my hospital bed side reading from a list titled "Failures and Regrets".

Everyday we are faced with the Self, ourselves, and if there is some form of unforgiveness within you it is not to be ignored. It knows it's presence and aroma, and it is strong despite how hard you try to burn out it's morbid smell. This reeking scent we call unforgiveness, that is lingering inside your soul, rusting you at the core eventually turns into a wicked friend named regret. Regret will remain close to you, and likes to talk a lot, likes to remind you of all the things you've tried to let go, tries to replay ways in which you could have done better. Then this dear friend who you have unwillingly became close to, eventually turns you against your own Self. Your strongest force, who you are, your identity is now being threatened by your own Self. Regret speaks over you nasty thoughts, and you let him, better yet you believe in him, you fall for him and you fall hard. These thoughts have now formed an opinion of your Self, and this is now how you see your Self. You are now a walking piece of hopelessness, with no sight to see the sun come up and moon go down for a new day. If only you could go back and undo what you've done, would you now be in the place you're suppose to be... Not True.

I would say, personally, my issue here is not me telling my Self I forgive it. It is me reaching outside my Self and looking to God in trust that He still believes in me. That he still has a plan, whether or not I feel I've disappointed him beyond repair, or I was too busy doing what my Self wanted that I missed the last train into the city. I think God knew this life would be messy, so he uses ALL of our Selves, our journey, and doesn't just plan us for a final destination. It's about what our heart looks like after the fall, whether we are willing to try again or sit in our "regret" and waste even more time. What good are we then?

What do I have to loose to put my heart out there once again and believe, there is nothing more to be lost.
It's a choice and I will choose to apply this second chance, wait no.. 3rd, 4th, 5th times a thousand to every mistake I feel I've made knowing that God is for me, knowing that he knew we would make decisions that aren't always the best for our Self so He gave us this...

"And we know that in all things God causes EVERYTHING (no exceptions) to work together for the good of those who LOvE God, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Our ideas of life shift and constantly change due to experience, relationships, moments. We are always in motion, always changing. Some of us are braver than others, wearing our hearts on our sleeve for anyone to get a look, and some of us remain afraid of the possible pain so we stay silent and safe tucked away. 
I know I am still considered young, but I could say I've seen enough to try to grasp the reality of meeting someone that lines up with the core of who I Am. Two people coming together, understanding one another, hearing and accepting the other. Believing in one another's ideas even though they are constantly changing. This is difficult and more complex then the breezy romance novels you chose to believe. The question remains in my heart, is this a possibility? I see it all around me, so the idea isn't hopeless. I've also seen lots which pound my hopelessness further into the ground. 
I am content with where I am, but it is somewhat daunting to feel that maybe I could never be fully understood by someone. Whether we realize or not, all we truly desire as humans is to be seen, understood, accepted, and loved. 
I remain hopeful, because my hope doesn't belong to me, but in something much larger than my tiny reality. 

Respectable pain

Pain comes and goes, it demands attention, and to be taken notice of. It can creep in or be fully known. You don't expect to see it, like the day you realize you lost your friend because he got married, or the guy you finally fall in love with breaks your heart. Or that you made the ultimate best friends but they're all scattered across the country. Or the day you come to terms that you messed up, Screwed up. That you made decisions you never thought you'd make. Or hurt people you never thought you'd hurt. You don't expect that, ever. Until one day your looking down on the floor trying to see straight, picking up all the broken pieces, and feeling the stabbing pain of each one. No one can tell you how to heal or prescribe the time it will take for the pain to surrender until you finally feel yourself again. The truth is, in most of these cases i knew better. I knew pain would come with my open and willing heart, but it was worth the relationships I let myself enter. Pain is apart of life and love is stronger than pain, Even if that love only lasted a moment. Some things are seasonal and some can last a lifetime. There are some things I wish I handled differently, more gracefully, more cautiously, more obediently. You love, you hurt, you learn, you change, you move forward and you eventually find something new. Pain produces growth but it must be felt, heard and released first before it will leave you alone. 

Built with Structure

The conquest of discovering who you are.

Let’s be honest, we are all searching to discover our purpose, why we were made, what our gifting’s are, how to use those gifting’s, and how to develop them. Then there are those that reach the highest point of their gift and still want to know a deeper meaning of their existence, that there’s more to them than being great at the gift they were given. We are searching for the purpose we were designed for. The thing that makes a difference, a dent for the better in the world which surrounds us. Purpose is the reason something is created, ones intention or objective.

The canoe was designed for a purpose. It’s structure, which is a little shaky when standing, was designed for the purpose of floating on top of the water. The Keel, which is like a blade under the bottom of the canoe helps to stay on track and not drift. Like a canoe we have been made with various parts. The designer knew the parts of the canoe, which were needed in order for the canoe to serve a purpose in its full potential. We are much like that, built with various pieces and parts, learning which purpose each of those parts serve. Like the canoe, its big picture of ultimate purpose is to float, to stay above the water, to transport you to your desired destination. We too have many parts, many gifting’s, but we also carry a bigger picture. We were designed for a purpose. If a canoe, which is a large piece of metal which was structured into something that serves a purpose on this earth, think of how much greater the purpose we were created for must be. Like an owner of a new canoe, we must study the parts of the structure we are floating on. If we don’t educate ourselves and get to understand the structure we our using, we will sit still in the water and not move. It is our responsibility to know ourselves, what our potential is, the gifts we were so graciously given, and to practice those and really form them into their full potential. Or like the canoe, we too will sit still. So find your owners manual and start studying because you have somewhere to be.

You stood right in front of me, and despite how small you kept my view, I saw you.

I don’t often stumble upon someone I’ve desperately desired to know, and to know all of. But when you do, it’s hard to not want their undivided. I’ve learned that there are those people you meet who’s negatives couldn’t keep you from them if they tried because there’s something about them that draws you in, which is usually a rarity. Please realize when I say negative I’m not relating to flaws. We all have flaws and those flaws are beautiful and always have a story. Negative meaning something you can’t live with, like possibly the difference in how orderly one keeps their bathroom, or maybe religion:)

Relationship is one of my most prized possessions in life. I may not be the best at being a friend, daughter, or sister, but I try to work through anything that might stand in the way. There is something so beautiful about the fight to keep it alive, raw, and real. I think about one of my relationships with a beautiful friend. It hasn’t been the easiest but that’s because she truly loves me, which means there is no Fear. No Fear of truth, of being raw or real, no fear to Love. I have been stubborn, hardheaded and fiery in return, but yet she continues to Love me fearlessly and constantly reminds me who I am when I may be outside myself. I’ve fought back, or said my words freely in return, but at the end I always remember she loves me selflessly and unconditionally. None of her words come from jealousy or unspoken deceitful motives but to truly better me.

Can you think of anything better in Life?

You know the feeling of satisfying exhaustion, possibly after climbing your first mountain for 12 hours and you catch yourself running on adrenaline because your terrified you may get attacked by a bear, but you feel like you’ve concurred the world?

  That feeling of satisfying exhaustion, it almost replenishes you. You worked hard at something and can feel the journey in your blood. Even though it may have been hard, it was so worth it.

It reminds me of a beautiful relationship, and amazingly that is what we have been designed for. It is what I am designed for, to build others up and others build myself up through the journey of relationship.

Sadly because relationship is so powerful and meant for our creation, it can have the opposite effect on us which we all understand is part of the risk in letting our heart be revealed. Despite our past, we must always be willing to embrace our future or then you risk to possibly live a life without something exhaustingly Beautiful. I will end with my favorite quote

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” C.S. Lewis

is he speaking...

  In my life my dad has always been an overflowing source of wisdom. Never have I grown to old to not be his little girl and continue to learn the ways of life through him. Every conversation whether planned or not, he speaks guidance to me just like God’s word. I could choose not to listen to my dad, or not communicate with him, but I do because I love him and I know his words and guidance give life to my life. He has never once intentionally tried to harm me. I’m his daughter and he wants my life to prosper and give life.

Every once and awhile my dad will take the time to send me a video through a text message showing the beauty in life he has come across that day. He has no idea the way he sees life and the way he loves me is a constant reflection of how I think God tries to love me if I would fully let him.

From the Strippes he’s caught that day fishing, to a video of the sun and the clouds. He wants me to see the beauty he sees, and wants to share that with me. The simplest things, but those simple things were created by our God and he created those things to love us. God wants to give to us, he wants to show off his creation and beauty to us, he wants us to feel loved and adored and I feel so blessed Gods given me such a substantial example of his love on this earth through my own Father.