Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Forgive the Self.

Forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive, and then forgive again.

" Unforgiveness is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies" -Joyce Meyer
Ok, got it. Forgive my neighbor.

"As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions"
Ok, got it. God forgives me (...I do not take that lightly)

-My issue here is not knowing how to forgive others, nor struggling with the acceptance that God has forgiven me, but the burden I feel in forgiving my Self and how extremely painful this effort has been.

I've actually never been faced with this issue before... maybe I have but never this strong of a dose. For some beautiful reason it's just now impacting me, as if I had just awoken from a coma after three years and someone is sitting at my hospital bed side reading from a list titled "Failures and Regrets".

Everyday we are faced with the Self, ourselves, and if there is some form of unforgiveness within you it is not to be ignored. It knows it's presence and aroma, and it is strong despite how hard you try to burn out it's morbid smell. This reeking scent we call unforgiveness, that is lingering inside your soul, rusting you at the core eventually turns into a wicked friend named regret. Regret will remain close to you, and likes to talk a lot, likes to remind you of all the things you've tried to let go, tries to replay ways in which you could have done better. Then this dear friend who you have unwillingly became close to, eventually turns you against your own Self. Your strongest force, who you are, your identity is now being threatened by your own Self. Regret speaks over you nasty thoughts, and you let him, better yet you believe in him, you fall for him and you fall hard. These thoughts have now formed an opinion of your Self, and this is now how you see your Self. You are now a walking piece of hopelessness, with no sight to see the sun come up and moon go down for a new day. If only you could go back and undo what you've done, would you now be in the place you're suppose to be... Not True.

I would say, personally, my issue here is not me telling my Self I forgive it. It is me reaching outside my Self and looking to God in trust that He still believes in me. That he still has a plan, whether or not I feel I've disappointed him beyond repair, or I was too busy doing what my Self wanted that I missed the last train into the city. I think God knew this life would be messy, so he uses ALL of our Selves, our journey, and doesn't just plan us for a final destination. It's about what our heart looks like after the fall, whether we are willing to try again or sit in our "regret" and waste even more time. What good are we then?

What do I have to loose to put my heart out there once again and believe, there is nothing more to be lost.
It's a choice and I will choose to apply this second chance, wait no.. 3rd, 4th, 5th times a thousand to every mistake I feel I've made knowing that God is for me, knowing that he knew we would make decisions that aren't always the best for our Self so He gave us this...

"And we know that in all things God causes EVERYTHING (no exceptions) to work together for the good of those who LOvE God, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Monday, February 16, 2015

Our ideas of life shift and constantly change due to experience, relationships, moments. We are always in motion, always changing. Some of us are braver than others, wearing our hearts on our sleeve for anyone to get a look, and some of us remain afraid of the possible pain so we stay silent and safe tucked away. 
I know I am still considered young, but I could say I've seen enough to try to grasp the reality of meeting someone that lines up with the core of who I Am. Two people coming together, understanding one another, hearing and accepting the other. Believing in one another's ideas even though they are constantly changing. This is difficult and more complex then the breezy romance novels you chose to believe. The question remains in my heart, is this a possibility? I see it all around me, so the idea isn't hopeless. I've also seen lots which pound my hopelessness further into the ground. 
I am content with where I am, but it is somewhat daunting to feel that maybe I could never be fully understood by someone. Whether we realize or not, all we truly desire as humans is to be seen, understood, accepted, and loved. 
I remain hopeful, because my hope doesn't belong to me, but in something much larger than my tiny reality.