My mind became numb,
and the sensation of blood draining from my body would begin.
Like gravity in rage, stripped the pulse from my heart.
My body froze and the pain of loosing you would strike me again.

I am...
More free than I allow myself to be.
I box myself in, and cover my mouth.
Never to let the expression out.
I am alive!
But inside I hide.
Afraid of the critics and all the loud sounds.
Within me there is a well, one that overflows into rivers and swells.
I am me
and possibly
one day I will let everyone see

I need silence

I need the darkness of the night 

I need absolutely nothing 

I need rest

I need truth

I need to confront the unspoken 

I need to take it all in 

    to breathe it all out 

I need to let you flow through my fingers 

     and into my past 

I needed forgiveness from you

And still do

I don't need you 

I don't want you

Even if I had you 

your existence would crumble into ash 

Your facade would be revealed 

And there you would stand 

On my stage

Faceless 

Nameless 

Nothing to me 

As simple as Love.

To Love someone is to pull them in close on their best of days and even closer on their worst.In all of the poor decisions I've made,God was always there with me; even if I disappointed him. Not once did he turn his back against me.He never told me I was different or ruined, and He never once saw me unclean. God always forgives and never holds against. Perfection does not exist on this earth. We are always learning, and despite knowing what is good and right for us we still stand on the cliff of our will and jump off every once and awhile. Despite all my sin, God still Forgives. Not only does He forgive, He pulls me in during the winds of my weakness and draws closer to me. He invites me into His house; He talks with me and believes the best of me.  He gets me back on my feet and inspires me to start new again. This is possible because of Love. I don’t like boxing myself in and saying… As “Christians” we should be living a life of loving others. We should want to live a life of Loving this way because we don’t deserve to be Loved unconditionally ourselves. So how can one judge another when they have been so freely loved and forgiven themselves without deserving such a thing? I want to be there for the ones closest to me, I want the people in my life to trust that I am there for them no matter what they are going through or where they came from. I want to treat others the way I would want another to treat me. That is to be pulled in close on my best of days, and even closer on my worst.

Forgive the Self.

Forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive, and then forgive again.

" Unforgiveness is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies" -Joyce Meyer
Ok, got it. Forgive my neighbor.

"As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions"
Ok, got it. God forgives me (...I do not take that lightly)

-My issue here is not knowing how to forgive others, nor struggling with the acceptance that God has forgiven me, but the burden I feel in forgiving my Self and how extremely painful this effort has been.

I've actually never been faced with this issue before... maybe I have but never this strong of a dose. For some beautiful reason it's just now impacting me, as if I had just awoken from a coma after three years and someone is sitting at my hospital bed side reading from a list titled "Failures and Regrets".

Everyday we are faced with the Self, ourselves, and if there is some form of unforgiveness within you it is not to be ignored. It knows it's presence and aroma, and it is strong despite how hard you try to burn out it's morbid smell. This reeking scent we call unforgiveness, that is lingering inside your soul, rusting you at the core eventually turns into a wicked friend named regret. Regret will remain close to you, and likes to talk a lot, likes to remind you of all the things you've tried to let go, tries to replay ways in which you could have done better. Then this dear friend who you have unwillingly became close to, eventually turns you against your own Self. Your strongest force, who you are, your identity is now being threatened by your own Self. Regret speaks over you nasty thoughts, and you let him, better yet you believe in him, you fall for him and you fall hard. These thoughts have now formed an opinion of your Self, and this is now how you see your Self. You are now a walking piece of hopelessness, with no sight to see the sun come up and moon go down for a new day. If only you could go back and undo what you've done, would you now be in the place you're suppose to be... Not True.

I would say, personally, my issue here is not me telling my Self I forgive it. It is me reaching outside my Self and looking to God in trust that He still believes in me. That he still has a plan, whether or not I feel I've disappointed him beyond repair, or I was too busy doing what my Self wanted that I missed the last train into the city. I think God knew this life would be messy, so he uses ALL of our Selves, our journey, and doesn't just plan us for a final destination. It's about what our heart looks like after the fall, whether we are willing to try again or sit in our "regret" and waste even more time. What good are we then?

What do I have to loose to put my heart out there once again and believe, there is nothing more to be lost.
It's a choice and I will choose to apply this second chance, wait no.. 3rd, 4th, 5th times a thousand to every mistake I feel I've made knowing that God is for me, knowing that he knew we would make decisions that aren't always the best for our Self so He gave us this...

"And we know that in all things God causes EVERYTHING (no exceptions) to work together for the good of those who LOvE God, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Our ideas of life shift and constantly change due to experience, relationships, moments. We are always in motion, always changing. Some of us are braver than others, wearing our hearts on our sleeve for anyone to get a look, and some of us remain afraid of the possible pain so we stay silent and safe tucked away. 
I know I am still considered young, but I could say I've seen enough to try to grasp the reality of meeting someone that lines up with the core of who I Am. Two people coming together, understanding one another, hearing and accepting the other. Believing in one another's ideas even though they are constantly changing. This is difficult and more complex then the breezy romance novels you chose to believe. The question remains in my heart, is this a possibility? I see it all around me, so the idea isn't hopeless. I've also seen lots which pound my hopelessness further into the ground. 
I am content with where I am, but it is somewhat daunting to feel that maybe I could never be fully understood by someone. Whether we realize or not, all we truly desire as humans is to be seen, understood, accepted, and loved. 
I remain hopeful, because my hope doesn't belong to me, but in something much larger than my tiny reality. 

Respectable pain

Pain comes and goes, it demands attention, and to be taken notice of. It can creep in or be fully known. You don't expect to see it, like the day you realize you lost your friend because he got married, or the guy you finally fall in love with breaks your heart. Or that you made the ultimate best friends but they're all scattered across the country. Or the day you come to terms that you messed up, Screwed up. That you made decisions you never thought you'd make. Or hurt people you never thought you'd hurt. You don't expect that, ever. Until one day your looking down on the floor trying to see straight, picking up all the broken pieces, and feeling the stabbing pain of each one. No one can tell you how to heal or prescribe the time it will take for the pain to surrender until you finally feel yourself again. The truth is, in most of these cases i knew better. I knew pain would come with my open and willing heart, but it was worth the relationships I let myself enter. Pain is apart of life and love is stronger than pain, Even if that love only lasted a moment. Some things are seasonal and some can last a lifetime. There are some things I wish I handled differently, more gracefully, more cautiously, more obediently. You love, you hurt, you learn, you change, you move forward and you eventually find something new. Pain produces growth but it must be felt, heard and released first before it will leave you alone. 

Built with Structure

The conquest of discovering who you are.

Let’s be honest, we are all searching to discover our purpose, why we were made, what our gifting’s are, how to use those gifting’s, and how to develop them. Then there are those that reach the highest point of their gift and still want to know a deeper meaning of their existence, that there’s more to them than being great at the gift they were given. We are searching for the purpose we were designed for. The thing that makes a difference, a dent for the better in the world which surrounds us. Purpose is the reason something is created, ones intention or objective.

The canoe was designed for a purpose. It’s structure, which is a little shaky when standing, was designed for the purpose of floating on top of the water. The Keel, which is like a blade under the bottom of the canoe helps to stay on track and not drift. Like a canoe we have been made with various parts. The designer knew the parts of the canoe, which were needed in order for the canoe to serve a purpose in its full potential. We are much like that, built with various pieces and parts, learning which purpose each of those parts serve. Like the canoe, its big picture of ultimate purpose is to float, to stay above the water, to transport you to your desired destination. We too have many parts, many gifting’s, but we also carry a bigger picture. We were designed for a purpose. If a canoe, which is a large piece of metal which was structured into something that serves a purpose on this earth, think of how much greater the purpose we were created for must be. Like an owner of a new canoe, we must study the parts of the structure we are floating on. If we don’t educate ourselves and get to understand the structure we our using, we will sit still in the water and not move. It is our responsibility to know ourselves, what our potential is, the gifts we were so graciously given, and to practice those and really form them into their full potential. Or like the canoe, we too will sit still. So find your owners manual and start studying because you have somewhere to be.

You stood right in front of me, and despite how small you kept my view, I saw you.

I don’t often stumble upon someone I’ve desperately desired to know, and to know all of. But when you do, it’s hard to not want their undivided. I’ve learned that there are those people you meet who’s negatives couldn’t keep you from them if they tried because there’s something about them that draws you in, which is usually a rarity. Please realize when I say negative I’m not relating to flaws. We all have flaws and those flaws are beautiful and always have a story. Negative meaning something you can’t live with, like possibly the difference in how orderly one keeps their bathroom, or maybe religion:)

Relationship is one of my most prized possessions in life. I may not be the best at being a friend, daughter, or sister, but I try to work through anything that might stand in the way. There is something so beautiful about the fight to keep it alive, raw, and real. I think about one of my relationships with a beautiful friend. It hasn’t been the easiest but that’s because she truly loves me, which means there is no Fear. No Fear of truth, of being raw or real, no fear to Love. I have been stubborn, hardheaded and fiery in return, but yet she continues to Love me fearlessly and constantly reminds me who I am when I may be outside myself. I’ve fought back, or said my words freely in return, but at the end I always remember she loves me selflessly and unconditionally. None of her words come from jealousy or unspoken deceitful motives but to truly better me.

Can you think of anything better in Life?

You know the feeling of satisfying exhaustion, possibly after climbing your first mountain for 12 hours and you catch yourself running on adrenaline because your terrified you may get attacked by a bear, but you feel like you’ve concurred the world?

  That feeling of satisfying exhaustion, it almost replenishes you. You worked hard at something and can feel the journey in your blood. Even though it may have been hard, it was so worth it.

It reminds me of a beautiful relationship, and amazingly that is what we have been designed for. It is what I am designed for, to build others up and others build myself up through the journey of relationship.

Sadly because relationship is so powerful and meant for our creation, it can have the opposite effect on us which we all understand is part of the risk in letting our heart be revealed. Despite our past, we must always be willing to embrace our future or then you risk to possibly live a life without something exhaustingly Beautiful. I will end with my favorite quote

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” C.S. Lewis

is he speaking...

  In my life my dad has always been an overflowing source of wisdom. Never have I grown to old to not be his little girl and continue to learn the ways of life through him. Every conversation whether planned or not, he speaks guidance to me just like God’s word. I could choose not to listen to my dad, or not communicate with him, but I do because I love him and I know his words and guidance give life to my life. He has never once intentionally tried to harm me. I’m his daughter and he wants my life to prosper and give life.

Every once and awhile my dad will take the time to send me a video through a text message showing the beauty in life he has come across that day. He has no idea the way he sees life and the way he loves me is a constant reflection of how I think God tries to love me if I would fully let him.

From the Strippes he’s caught that day fishing, to a video of the sun and the clouds. He wants me to see the beauty he sees, and wants to share that with me. The simplest things, but those simple things were created by our God and he created those things to love us. God wants to give to us, he wants to show off his creation and beauty to us, he wants us to feel loved and adored and I feel so blessed Gods given me such a substantial example of his love on this earth through my own Father. 

Simplicity Wins.

A devout life does bring wealth, but it's rich simplicity is being yourself before God
1Timothy 6:6

Life has multiple objectives to which we could designate our entire lives to. We spend a huge amount of our lives just trying to find those things which mean the most to us. Sometimes we obtain them and other times we don't. Money, Fame, Success, Happiness, Purpose, Solution. 
Living in Jackson has taken my rooted belief system of what equals success and has made me examine it in its entirety.
What does success look like? This objective is different to everyone.
 I have come to find that living in a small town  Happiness is alive here. People are content and proud of their lifestyles. They can't wait to get up in the morning and live life. Do they have the biggest homes and nicest cars, top notch careers... most of them don't. The biggest objective here is living a simple life to be able to enjoy the beauty which surrounds them.
 Why should we feel the pressures of what the world says success is when we may individually be the happiest we have ever been? 
Am I saying to not strive for greater things? I am saying to not live a life that gives life to others?
 Not at all...  I'm saying let's respect one another's objectives in life and support one another in those things, as long as they line up with the word of God.
We all have different seasons of life. You can't compare someone's life to another's. They will never look the same, we all walk different paths and those paths teach us what we need to know. God is the ultimate Guide so let's let him lead our lives and find contentment in the things he's placed in them for us to enjoy and dedicate ourselves to for that time. Make a difference in the atmosphere he has placed you

Love,
      Leah

Luke 10:38-42

heart locked down

Tim Walker

The easy way out is to not let yourself believe, to ignore the sensitivity of your heart, and to cut off feeling.

If you place your hope in anything other than God, including yourself… you will be let down.

A hardened heart is the product of hope let down due to placing it in places that are undeserved.

The moment that brought me back to realization was feeling that I hurt the one thing most dear to me. It wasn’t a feeling of disappointing or guilt. It wasn’t intentional, it felt similar to being completely unaware that I had left someone so valuable to me out of these really important things and realizing how much that would hurt them. If you really care about someone you want them involved in everything. To realize you’ve cut that person off unintentionally possibly hurts you more than it hurts them. It hurts because you would never want to hurt them, and you want them to know how much they mean to you and how you would do anything for them, but your actions have said nothing to show that.

But the best part is the realization. No guilt. No shame. No backtracking to where you left off. To open up again and let that most important thing back in.

How often do we do this to ourselves.

Theres no fear to hope when hope is placed in the proper hands.

 I most likely have learned more this past year than I could have squeezed in my four years at college. In saying that, I wouldn't take back one moment of each of those days. To gain your own Faith is something that shouldn't be taken lightly or without consideration. We've all grown up in a set of some sort of beliefs, religion, ideas, but to step outside of that and gain your own thoughts about life is a responsibility we owe ourselves. How can we live what we speak if we don't fully believe what we're living for. And to fully believe what we are living for takes experience, takes knowledge, takes honesty and vulnerability with our own selves. Unfortunately growing up, it hasn't always been the easiest environment to question things outside the box. I am absolutely grateful for where I was brought up, the church I went to, as well as the college I enrolled myself in. After graduation was the first time for me to leave an environment with a Christian structure and view. Even being in  New York, I kept myself hidden from anything else outside these walls as well (not that that was a bad choice). The moment I stepped outside of these comforts of belief that had surrounded me from the beginning of my existence, I began to finally think for myself. It's sad to think that many people are afraid of this concept. That possibly in questioning their faith or beliefs God might be disappointed in your curiosity. This here is really the opposite of God's heart for us. I think he would rather us turn from him for awhile rather than growing up taking the food we are fed, eating it, and not fully understanding the nutrients we are digesting. Its like living a religious life, going through the motions never taking whats actually being offered to you, and God is anything but religion, he's a relationship. I had the privilege of making a new friend through this expedition. At first I was very cautious because of our differences, but then learned the value he brought to my life. Despite not being on the same note in every area of our beliefs, we somehow brought harmony to each other. I can't fully speak for him, but I know how much he truly impacted my life. To have freedom to speak in a place of openness and vulnerability, given to me from someone who accepted what I had to say with no judgment gave me a glimpse of what God has been wanting me to do with him. I would hope that we could all be this open with one another, especially those of us that call ourselves Christians. The fact that I had felt more love and freedom with someone that wouldn't title himself as that was confusing to me, But a title can and never will determine the Heart of a man. That is to be determined through his actions, not through words that are spoken. Zane in Hebrew means God is gracious. This word means so much to me, not just because it's a crazy cool name, but because the weight of that word is something we should carry out in all our relationships. Grace is easily forgotten when the mind set of religion creeps in, but lets not forget God's grace for us is where it all began, so Who are We.

Photo Credit Toni Frissell

It feels like one of us has been gone, out of town for a while, and neither of us kept in touch. We knew we still cared, and loved, and thought of one another but spoke no words. And today, we met up for coffee and sat with one another and enjoyed each others presence but spoke nothing, and just shared the connection. In that connection understanding that one another never forgot about the other, and that you remained in my mind and thoughts all along. And in that I understood who you were to me. Although we didn't speak your eyes were always on me, your feet were always before me, and your heart burned for me to know. Although my eyes don't reach the understanding of yours, gracefully you gave me a view.
It's never easy in the desert. It's dry and harsh. It can easily steal all the moisture and leave you cracked and broken. Hopeless and alone, you think. Then you see him, standing behind you. Feeling your pain, with cuts and bruises exactly like yours. He Cares. You just must believe he's there.

Photo By:Anahita Nikdast

The pressure of change.

    

      It is quite hilarious when, you start a new season expecting it to go a specific way. The way in which YOU planned it to go. Then the next moment, you realize your uncomfortable, and you want things to be easy again.

This is where the Pressure of change is staring blankly into your face, asking whether or not your ready for the ride.

Change isn't easy, but from change growth occurs, and with new growth you become equipped, and when you become equipped...  

If it isn't hard, nothings moving. In your weakness he is made strong. In your weakness truth comes out, things in you are revealed that need change, that need pressure in order to get rid of. Let yourself be uncomfortable, let yourself grow, and let yourself be all you were meant to be. You could be the one responsible for holding yourself down. Get out of your way

From the fall

I've been on this straight path for so long, and as I was walking I found a mountain, but I didn't just sit at the base, I climbed, and I didn't just climb, but I stood at the top, and I looked around i saw everything I've kept myself hidden from. Not only did I see, but I jumped into all I never knew- and i spun around with him, and after wiping around in the twirl of his wind, I fell to the ground and hit the rocks. There I laid unaware of where I was or how I got there. But then I woke up, and as I looked forward I saw the path, the same path I fell from not too long before. With grace surrounding I stood to my feet, and took a step forward, in motion I found myself back where I left off, cut and bruised I still found my way back to You. And You saw me there, and there I was, even more beautiful to You than Before.

Fear Of The Dark

A few years ago while I was in college, I came home for a break. One thing I loved to do when I first got home was to take a long hot shower, most of which took place at one in the morning. I sat in the shower, lights off, pitched black. I sat not only soaking in the heat, but also soaking in Gods presence. I opened my eyes to see, that I couldn't see anything. Not even the hand in front of my face was visible. I felt God ask me if this was the life I would be willing to live, A life within the darkness. By this I don't mean a world full of sin and darkness. The meaning was, Am I willing to live a life walking completely blind with my one and only direction coming from Christ. Surrounded by darkness there is nothing to see but only to trust the one who leads me. I thought to myself in the comfort of my home, and warm shower, of course I will. Yes. It is not until now where that question has really taken root and grown. That question is being answered everyday when I face it. My character, my dreams, all my hopes of becoming everything I hope to become, my reality, is questioned daily. Will I let you lead me through the darkness. I can't see what's in front of me, but I must trust it's good. When you start to question yourself, your circumstances, your value, your position, Trust God knows what he's doing. You belong to him, your his. Don't doubt, but let yourself be lead through the darkness without fear.

Photo by: Tim Walker.

Journey through the Dark

I will just start by saying; it is not easy following God. To completely rely on someone you can't see or touch can be a little scary, especially when you find yourself moving with two bags to the biggest city in the US. The thing is, I would rather be doing what I think he's asking of me then question myself and become complacent. Although I have only been in New York for two weeks, I have never had to trust God more in my life. It feels as if he's only giving me a day at a time. Each day he takes me a step closer, if I choose to follow him. What if the life he has planned for me is a life where I don't know what to expect each day I live. My life and everything I do would have to acknowledge him first. The I think... Am I ok with living in the dark and walking blind, having security only in him, finding hope and opportunity completely in him? 

And I decided, yes I am ok with that, or else there is no way I would ever be doing what I'm doing now. 

So I want to encourage, and challenge you to: take a step into the dark, into not knowing what to expect, and trust God with those dreams and desires he is calling you to. The matter is, life is short, and you are here for a bigger picture. You are but a stroke of paint in his big portrait. So let loose and follow him.

This is a photo from the music Video White Owl by Josh Garrels, I would encourage you to watch it.

O the places you'll go!

IT is probably one of the craziest feelings, what I am experiencing at this moment in my life. To not have any idea of where my head will peacefully fall asleep in the next few months is not the most comforting feeling. To be in a place of being uncomfortable is better than a place of being complacent. To be uncomfortable is where you must trust. You look around to see you have nothing, absolutely nothing. None of your little teddy bears or warm blankets are there next to you to keep you warm. You are all alone, and all you have to hold onto is the one who knows the most. To look ahead and see a blank canvas is so terrifying! I have no plans, no expectations.. I mean maybe a few, but nothing! This year.. I can honestly tell you I have no clue what’s to come. Instead of completely being paralyzed with fear, I might as well believe that he has himself wrapped around me, not letting me fall and will continue to guide me so sweetly just like he always has. I promise you, no matter how scared I am of not knowing, I promise you I will have a beautiful story to tell about what’s to come. No matter how hard it gets, or brave I will learn to be, deep down in me I know he’s got my back, not only that but he’s placed lanterns before all the steps I walk, he's already unlocked the doors that will opened, and he's unleashed the places in my heart for this time to come. Wake up and see the places you will go...

-Leah

Redefine

Redefine your Sight...

ReDefine= to fix or lay down Definitely.

DeFinitely=Certain.

How far can you let yourself get without a map and light guiding you through the trail in the night.

Vulnerbility comes when full trust exceeds all fear. When this trust is thriving in your relationship with him, you are able to lightly give over the deepest most precious places of your heart:Your Identity, and Your IDea of where You see yourself going. It is true that the word says ”A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” -Psalms 16:9

I have found myself defining my own life. Making certain of who I am to be, and where I am to take myself. But the closer I get to him the more I realize My life is not mine. I will plan, but it's time to Lay down everything I think belongs to me for the sake of the one who knows me best.

There's more freedom in the unknown then in the known.