My mind became numb,
and the sensation of blood draining from my body would begin.
Like gravity in rage, stripped the pulse from my heart.
My body froze and the pain of loosing you would strike me again.

I am...
More free than I allow myself to be.
I box myself in, and cover my mouth.
Never to let the expression out.
I am alive!
But inside I hide.
Afraid of the critics and all the loud sounds.
Within me there is a well, one that overflows into rivers and swells.
I am me
and possibly
one day I will let everyone see

I need silence

I need the darkness of the night 

I need absolutely nothing 

I need rest

I need truth

I need to confront the unspoken 

I need to take it all in 

    to breathe it all out 

I need to let you flow through my fingers 

     and into my past 

I needed forgiveness from you

And still do

I don't need you 

I don't want you

Even if I had you 

your existence would crumble into ash 

Your facade would be revealed 

And there you would stand 

On my stage

Faceless 

Nameless 

Nothing to me 

As simple as Love.

To Love someone is to pull them in close on their best of days and even closer on their worst.In all of the poor decisions I've made,God was always there with me; even if I disappointed him. Not once did he turn his back against me.He never told me I was different or ruined, and He never once saw me unclean. God always forgives and never holds against. Perfection does not exist on this earth. We are always learning, and despite knowing what is good and right for us we still stand on the cliff of our will and jump off every once and awhile. Despite all my sin, God still Forgives. Not only does He forgive, He pulls me in during the winds of my weakness and draws closer to me. He invites me into His house; He talks with me and believes the best of me.  He gets me back on my feet and inspires me to start new again. This is possible because of Love. I don’t like boxing myself in and saying… As “Christians” we should be living a life of loving others. We should want to live a life of Loving this way because we don’t deserve to be Loved unconditionally ourselves. So how can one judge another when they have been so freely loved and forgiven themselves without deserving such a thing? I want to be there for the ones closest to me, I want the people in my life to trust that I am there for them no matter what they are going through or where they came from. I want to treat others the way I would want another to treat me. That is to be pulled in close on my best of days, and even closer on my worst.

Forgive the Self.

Forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive, and then forgive again.

" Unforgiveness is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies" -Joyce Meyer
Ok, got it. Forgive my neighbor.

"As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions"
Ok, got it. God forgives me (...I do not take that lightly)

-My issue here is not knowing how to forgive others, nor struggling with the acceptance that God has forgiven me, but the burden I feel in forgiving my Self and how extremely painful this effort has been.

I've actually never been faced with this issue before... maybe I have but never this strong of a dose. For some beautiful reason it's just now impacting me, as if I had just awoken from a coma after three years and someone is sitting at my hospital bed side reading from a list titled "Failures and Regrets".

Everyday we are faced with the Self, ourselves, and if there is some form of unforgiveness within you it is not to be ignored. It knows it's presence and aroma, and it is strong despite how hard you try to burn out it's morbid smell. This reeking scent we call unforgiveness, that is lingering inside your soul, rusting you at the core eventually turns into a wicked friend named regret. Regret will remain close to you, and likes to talk a lot, likes to remind you of all the things you've tried to let go, tries to replay ways in which you could have done better. Then this dear friend who you have unwillingly became close to, eventually turns you against your own Self. Your strongest force, who you are, your identity is now being threatened by your own Self. Regret speaks over you nasty thoughts, and you let him, better yet you believe in him, you fall for him and you fall hard. These thoughts have now formed an opinion of your Self, and this is now how you see your Self. You are now a walking piece of hopelessness, with no sight to see the sun come up and moon go down for a new day. If only you could go back and undo what you've done, would you now be in the place you're suppose to be... Not True.

I would say, personally, my issue here is not me telling my Self I forgive it. It is me reaching outside my Self and looking to God in trust that He still believes in me. That he still has a plan, whether or not I feel I've disappointed him beyond repair, or I was too busy doing what my Self wanted that I missed the last train into the city. I think God knew this life would be messy, so he uses ALL of our Selves, our journey, and doesn't just plan us for a final destination. It's about what our heart looks like after the fall, whether we are willing to try again or sit in our "regret" and waste even more time. What good are we then?

What do I have to loose to put my heart out there once again and believe, there is nothing more to be lost.
It's a choice and I will choose to apply this second chance, wait no.. 3rd, 4th, 5th times a thousand to every mistake I feel I've made knowing that God is for me, knowing that he knew we would make decisions that aren't always the best for our Self so He gave us this...

"And we know that in all things God causes EVERYTHING (no exceptions) to work together for the good of those who LOvE God, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Our ideas of life shift and constantly change due to experience, relationships, moments. We are always in motion, always changing. Some of us are braver than others, wearing our hearts on our sleeve for anyone to get a look, and some of us remain afraid of the possible pain so we stay silent and safe tucked away. 
I know I am still considered young, but I could say I've seen enough to try to grasp the reality of meeting someone that lines up with the core of who I Am. Two people coming together, understanding one another, hearing and accepting the other. Believing in one another's ideas even though they are constantly changing. This is difficult and more complex then the breezy romance novels you chose to believe. The question remains in my heart, is this a possibility? I see it all around me, so the idea isn't hopeless. I've also seen lots which pound my hopelessness further into the ground. 
I am content with where I am, but it is somewhat daunting to feel that maybe I could never be fully understood by someone. Whether we realize or not, all we truly desire as humans is to be seen, understood, accepted, and loved. 
I remain hopeful, because my hope doesn't belong to me, but in something much larger than my tiny reality. 

Respectable pain

Pain comes and goes, it demands attention, and to be taken notice of. It can creep in or be fully known. You don't expect to see it, like the day you realize you lost your friend because he got married, or the guy you finally fall in love with breaks your heart. Or that you made the ultimate best friends but they're all scattered across the country. Or the day you come to terms that you messed up, Screwed up. That you made decisions you never thought you'd make. Or hurt people you never thought you'd hurt. You don't expect that, ever. Until one day your looking down on the floor trying to see straight, picking up all the broken pieces, and feeling the stabbing pain of each one. No one can tell you how to heal or prescribe the time it will take for the pain to surrender until you finally feel yourself again. The truth is, in most of these cases i knew better. I knew pain would come with my open and willing heart, but it was worth the relationships I let myself enter. Pain is apart of life and love is stronger than pain, Even if that love only lasted a moment. Some things are seasonal and some can last a lifetime. There are some things I wish I handled differently, more gracefully, more cautiously, more obediently. You love, you hurt, you learn, you change, you move forward and you eventually find something new. Pain produces growth but it must be felt, heard and released first before it will leave you alone.